So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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