well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
