my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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