chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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