what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
