oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
