I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I look better un-naked...
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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