look no pants
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
