So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
50% drunk capacity currently
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
We need to get me chipped asap
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
