im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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