woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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