My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
