Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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