meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
