do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
