Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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