Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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