Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
