I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
