We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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