im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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