Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
