Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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