dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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