If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
