Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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