I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize