The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
