I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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