seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
