yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
