I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
