Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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