Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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