i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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