I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
We just shotgunned beers for America
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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