woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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