I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize