During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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