Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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