I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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