I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize