He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I AM VODKA MAN
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
