Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
