Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
