I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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