Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
