I will die if light touches me.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
