Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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