Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
