A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
