Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
