I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
