i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
