Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
